The final assignment for this course was to write in any genre. I worked with two pieces, one fiction, one non-fiction, wanting to leave my options open. In the end, I went with the non-fiction, for one simple reason: I had something I needed to work through. And the only way to do that has been to face it, head on.
And I can honestly say, I did.
Perhaps it was best that hubby was on the other side of the world cycling up incredibly high mountains (like 3275 m mountains). I have never believed in my ability to survive without him to catch me whenever I tried to work through my past.
I was wrong.
This was a REALLY hard week of emotional work. I could not get comfortable in my own skin. Midweek, the tears came: sadness, joy, victory. It was all there.
It was such a relief.
Back in the early 1990s, I testified in court, in support of another victim who was suing the Calgary Board for negligence. After testifying, I stood outside the courthouse, looked up at the sky, and felt like a superhero.
A man who had sat through my testimony approached me and asked me why I didn’t just tell someone.
My super powers left me, my super hero cape flew away.
I found those powers and the cape again this week because the piece I wrote was different in a fundamental way. I acknowledged the ways in which systems and people let me down.
Self blame is an exhausting way to live and as unnecessary as assholes confronting witnesses on court house steps.
I know that there will still be days ahead in which the past comes back to bite me.
It’s okay; I’ve got a cape for that.
***
As is often the case for me, I had a song rolling through my brain all day, Joni Mitchell’s Both Sides Now. The most important line:
if you care, don’t let them know, don’t give yourself away
And ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons everywhere
I’ve looked at clouds that way
They rain and snow on everyone
So many things I would have done
But clouds got in my way
From up and down and still somehow
It’s cloud’s illusions I recall
I really don’t know clouds at all
The dizzy dancing way you feel
As every fairy tale comes real
I’ve looked at love that way
You leave ’em laughing when you go
And if you care, don’t let them know
Don’t give yourself away
From give and take and still somehow
It’s love’s illusions I recall
I really don’t know love at all
To say “I love you” right out loud
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds
I’ve looked at life that way
They shake their heads, they say I’ve changed
Well something’s lost, but something’s gained
In living every day.
From win and lose and still somehow
It’s life’s illusions I recall
I really don’t know life at all
From up and down, and still somehow
It’s life’s illusions I recall
I really don’t know life at all
